Hello. Who am I? I’m Jenn. What that means, I guess you’ll have to figure out on your own. I am many things, both ridiculously complex, and ridiculously simple. Since this is my first foray into the blogosphere, I guess I can start with a little background on me. I’ve thought about creating a blog for a while now, but never pursued it until now. Now, it just seems right for me.
I’m a single mom. While statistically, my situation is far from unique (part of the reason I hadn’t pursued this blog thing- I've seen mommy support is everywhere), it dawned on me, I am unique. I am the only single mommy me I know. Statistics don’t soothe feelings. Statistics don’t make you feel better. Statistics don’t make you feel any less alone or vulnerable. But I might be able to. I’m not JUST a single mom. I’m a single woman. I have a past like no other and it's shaped me to be like no other. Who I was before greatly affects who I am now. How I’ve handled and dealt with single mommyhood makes me unique. I don’t fit neatly into any category. Really, who does?
Be that as it may, my son is my world, my life. So, yes, many of my stories, complaints, braggings, etcetera, will be involving him in some way, shape or form. Other times, there might rarely be mention of him at all; just musings on my maneuvering in this life as a single woman, trying to figure out where I belong. Like I said, I don’t fit neatly into any category. I will go back and forth. How I felt nearly five years ago, and how I feel now- to how I hope to feel in the future. I don’t have any clever advice for anyone, but if you ask my opinion, I will do my best to give you the best of me I possibly can. I don’t have those wonderful “Heloise” tips, or “What To Expect” tidbits. I’m far from a relationship expert (Hello?! Single). I’m human, therefore, I’m faulty. Like everyone else, I’m a work in progress. I simply hope to be progressing in the right direction; the direction to make me proud, my son proud and most importantly, to make God proud.
As I’ve said, my feelings go back and forth. How I felt then and how I feel now. I don’t dwell in the past, but rather, I reflect on it. When I talk about how I felt then, I’m simply being honest. I am not always proud of how I reacted or felt, but I cannot rewrite or gloss over any of it. I know what’s in my heart. Why hide it?
Okay… here we go! Let's start at the top.
Five years ago this weekend, two people were given the news that they were about to take on the most important role of their lives. Only one of the two embraced the honor. The other person decided “life was complicated” and decided to pretend it wasn’t happening. I’ll let you decide who’s who here.
However, I’m a lucky girl. Since finding out I was growing a person, my family was nothing short of amazing, from the very beginning. Amazing. My friends were just as wonderful. I’ve- correction- WE’VE had a great support system. That did not stop me from feeling painfully alone. There was nobody to share that very first kick with. Nobody to pray with me during a scary test result. Nobody to lean on when hearing some terrifying possibilities. (All ended up just fine, thank God.) When I say “nobody”, I mean nobody as invested in this child as I was. Nobody as in love with him as me. As invested and in love with him as only someone who helped create him can be. My wonderful family was there, but when the lights went out and the world went still, it was just me and my little lima bean. The moment I realized: A. I was in fact pregnant. Three pregnancy tests, two nurses and one doctor really weren’t pranking on me. (I call it my “Juno” moment.), and B. I was in it alone; I completely and whole-heartedly embraced my role, as terrifying as it was. I took full responsibility for his well-being. And I proceeded to worry myself insane about it. And I proceeded to enjoy every moment. I relished our “secret language”. I recognized his movements. I put headphones on my belly (I love that he loves 80’s music and Beatles) while I studied. I read out loud to him when I had reading assignments. (I am positive he’ll know poetry and business law like nobody’s business when he hits first grade!) It was OUR time together. It would have been so easy to dwell on the bad of the situation; to focus and feed on hate for the person who left me and pretended not to know what was happening a few short miles from his home. Why? What good would that do? Nothing would have changed, except I’d have tragic memories of a beautiful time. Oh, of course there were times I was completely overwhelmed and cried and prayed myself to sleep. There were moments, random moments where it hit me, over and over “I’m doing this all alone. I am the sole person in charge here. He only has me.” I asked God and my dad and, when he joined them, my grandfather to help guide me through everything. It was utterly terrifying and I would let it overtake me. Before my little love was even born, this guy had burst the protective bubble I was determined to put around him. I resented him. Honestly, sometimes I still do.
Five years later, I still get agitated remembering how I felt then. That’s when I need a little gremlin hug. He’s worth it. He’s worth it all. Even when I'm looking for my fabulous new lip balm and find teeny, tiny little teeth marks on it (who can resist strawberry flavor?) or step on a stray Hot Wheel with my bare feet, yep, totally worth it.
So, many moons later, it hit me. I'm not just a single mom. I'm a single woman. (Yeah, I'm a little slow. We call it "pretty" around here, thanks. ) Where do I fit that in? My priorities are SO much different than they were several years ago. If possible, I'm even more guarded. Who's going to be willing to break through THAT armor only to juggle around a schedule that revolves around a child? DUN DUN DUNNNNN... that's my "tune in next week" suspense music. Neat, huh?
My nights went from a happy hour margarita with Cuervo shots and dancing to a happy hour chamomile tea and Wii "Just Dance". Kind of the same, but no, not really the same at all. I must say, the company is great though.
Maybe I'll turn this into an "Adventures in Dating" themed blog. I've already got some doozy stories in my pocket for y'all! (that might mean staying up past 9:30 on occasion. I'm not too sure I'm ready to make that kind of commitment) Oh, why not? This is my piece of the cyber world, I can do anything I want with it. It's a hodge podge of everything that makes me...me. And if it makes you smile, hooray! And if you find a piece of you in here, then all the better. A double hooray!
Feel free to leave me questions or comments. Any helpful and CONSTRUCTIVE criticism is definitely welcomed.
Until next time~ smile.
