Always Missing Something

For almost five years, I've been missing something.  Well, for over five years I guess- if we really wanted to dig deep.  

First, I missed having my body all to myself.  For several months, it was not my own.  Everything I ate or drank had to be considered carefully- and shared.  I couldn't lie down to sleep in certain positions, I couldn't wear my cute clothes, I had doctor's appointments that weren't really for me - I had to share EVERYTHING.   I missed having the energy to do a late night Walmart run. I missed having the energy to just stay up long enough to do my reading and homework.

Then I missed having a full night of sleep.  I missed having cute little purses instead of giant diaper bags.  I missed not having to wash a load of laundry everyday.  

And now?  I miss having my bed all to myself, without worrying about a little gremlin sneaking in next to me.  I miss relaxing with a glass of wine or hot tea and watching trashy TV without worrying about little ears or sitting on a stray dinosaur (it's quite unpleasant- I don't recommend it at all). I miss sleeping late and not hearing sweet requests for chocolate milk and cereal for breakfast.  I miss not having to hide candy and cookies.  I miss the idea of Cheerios for dinner or having dinner at 9pm since I would be up until 1 anyway (got to love insomnia and restless nights).

I miss not counting work as "Grown Up Me Time" (if you knew my coworkers, you could see I am stretching the 'grown up' part of this). I miss having BREAKS.   I miss Happy Hour and gossip sessions with my friends.  I miss saying "Wednesday sounds great" to an invitation to dancing the night away.  

I miss packing my book bag and hanging out at Barnes and Noble- for school- for anything- just to get away.  Throwing on my headphones and people watch while I read the many random magazines available. I just miss ME time.

For quite a few years, this has been our routine.  I'm in no way resentful of not having all that I "miss".  I love our little life.  I love having a little cuddle bug in my bed.  I love snuggling up with milk and cookies and watching "Cars" for the umpteenth time. I love our 'date nights' where we go someplace after work and have dinner- just him and me- no TV, no multitasking at all- and he tells me about his day and who's his friend, mixing up the plot line from "Ghostbusters" with "Goonies" and what happened at preschool.  I love the excitement of when we DO have Cheerios for dinner (sssshhhhh).  I absolutely, 100% love our little bubble. But the other "missing", that just sits somewhere on a shelf in my heart.  When my hot shower is interrupted, after weeks of reading consists solely of books with pictures and monkeys.... my "missings" sit there...

For a few months now, regular daddy visits have taken place on the designated weekends.  And so once again, I'm experiencing a whole new set of "missings".  I miss overhearing the crazy scenarios set up all over my living room involving Hot Wheels, monster trucks, penguins and dinosaurs.  (The penguins were the bad guys, in case you wanted to know. ) I miss the requests to "watch Einsteins with me".  I miss my fellow car karaoke singer in the back seat on our errands.  I miss planning out our exciting days of zoo or park or movies... I just miss him. And it all starts as soon as his dad's car leaves the parking lot of the Neutral Zone. I cried the first time he spent the night away from home.  I still sleep with his blankets next to me. 

As I sit here in Barnes and Noble with my iPhone happily singing to me from my Pandora stations enjoying my coffee and people watching, I'm full of "missing".  Missing the feel of a stray Hot Wheel in my back, missing the small boy who leans against me when we sit in a booth together. I miss the request for chicken nuggets, even if we're in an Italian restaurant.  I miss the "YAY! Target!" when we pull into the parking lot...mostly because he has just said exactly what I'm feeling.  I miss not having to worry about what's going on when he's not literally in my line of vision.
I guess you can say I also miss not having to share.

I'll never stop "missing". But, I've gotten used to it.  Sort of. 

Hugs and stuff,
Jenn

Goodbye 2011

New Year's Eve.  While the city...the world crackles in anticipation of a brand new year, I'm home in my pj's with my little guy watching cartoons. No parties, no champagne and kisses at midnight.  In fact, we will probably be dozing off before 11pm. 

It's been a whole day of cartoons and snoozing, nothing special about this Saturday, except that it's the last one of 2011.  While other women are putting on their mascara and sparkly stilettos, I've got my wool socks on and my hair in a ponytail.  

New Year's Eve just does not hold that static excitement for me that it once did.  For the past five years, my New Year's Eve nights have been simple and fairly somber, spent at home with my little love. No fanfare to bring in the next year- it just just rolls in quietly- barely making a sound. 

I will admit- I do fall into the trap of wanting to spend the night celebrating ushering in a brand new year with someone special.  Today and tonight I have caught myself several times wallowing.  Just like the other days when I catch myself wallowing in my blaring singleness, sometimes it's just harder to pull myself out of it and focus on what I do have.  And I do have so much.

What's so special about December 31st?  Really?  New Year's Eve is just that, the eve of a new year.  There's no magic eraser wiping the slate clean for everybody.  "Old acquaintance" really aren't forgotten when the clock strikes midnight.  There isn't any kind of "do-over" for anyone.  I hate to burst anybody's bubble, but that just isn't the way it works.  The same troubles follow us into the new year.  The same pressures, the same stresses, the same problems... but we also carry with us the same hopes and dreams.  A new year is simply replacing the last page of your wall calendar with a new one.

What a new year does offer is twelve more months.  Twelve new months to release yourself of your troubles, your stresses and your problems.  Twelve months to continue chasing your hopes and dreams, to set and accomplish goals both old and new.  We have a new 365 day gift. It's up to us to take advantage and use these 365 days to their fullest potential.  To OUR fullest potential.

Too many people sit back and either reflect on how amazing the year has been or how rotten.  There's nothing wrong with that, but shouldn't we be doing that daily?  Everyday we need to see how much better the next one can be.  We cannot dwell in the past and expect our future to be any different.  What we can do is turn our mistakes into lessons and take those lessons to create the future we want.  What we should do is carry that fire that lights within us when we realize a dream and turn that dream into a goal.  

Why does all this have to wait until December 31st?  The last day of the last month of the year shouldn't be the time for reflection, but the time for wrapping it up.  We shouldn't be motivated for next year, we should be motivated for NOW.  Don't make "resolutions", make goals.  Don't start reaching for the stars; keep reaching for them.  

Maybe those are the reasons are why New Year's Eve doesn't hold that special shininess of something new for me.  I reflect almost everyday.  Of course I do get excited about what can unfold for my little guy and me in the upcoming months.  I cannot wait to see what God has in store, what adventures await.  I know what my plans are, I just don't know what His are.  That is where the excitement lies. 

Perhaps next year, I'll be putting on mascara and sparkly stilettos and getting ready to ring in another year with champagne and midnight kisses. I guess I'll find out in 364 days. 

Happy New Year!