I trust instinctively and implicitly. Initial trust, with a trust that grows deeper and stronger. I feel everyone deserves to be trusted; until they don't. After that, it takes a LOT to rebuild that bond. After the bond of trust is broken, we can say "I trust you" again, but do we...really? In my case anyway, there is always a wall up... it's now a guarded "I trust you". I guess that's not really trust now, is it? What can we call it? Guarded acceptance? Trust with a catch? Whatever it is, that's what happens when the bond is broken.
What happens when the superficial trust never gets deeper before it's completely destroyed? There's nothing to create and nothing to tie together but with very tattered threads, and we all know how that goes. Nothing can describe the frustration at having to trust someone you don't trust, just can't trust.
Normally if you can't trust someone, you cut them out; wash your hands of the whole disappointment and move on. But what if you can't this time? What if walking away is just not an option? Even worse, what if you're forced to trust the very person you trust the least with your whole heart?
How are you supposed to trust someone who hacks away and seems so consciously determined to have you never trust them? Selfish and mindless decisions are constantly made, but you're supposed to trust
that when your most prized possession and greatest accomplishment is in their care, those decisions will suddenly turn into wise and thoughtful ones?
How do you forget the snippy remarks like "kids die everyday" when your own kid is in their backseat?
Over four years later and that phrase still rings in my head every time I drive away from The Neutral Zone without my little man. And every time that phrase rings in my head, my heart gets doused with ice water.
How are you supposed to trust in a safe return home when past exchanges at The Neutral Zone have smelled faintly of alcohol?
Time and again, the tiny threads of trust are broken before they can shape into a strong and sturdy rope. And time and again, I am asked to give a rope's worth of trust when all I have is that shredded little thread to hang on to. And, of course, time and again, each time the thread is torn, I'm reminded that I cannot just cut the ties I so desperately want to sometimes.
Once again, that superficial, thin thread of trust was broken after being asked for a rope's worth. So, I've had a heart full of anxiety for nearly three days and have only received one of several promised updates. Snip, snip. Without any regard for anyone else, without thought to building that strong rope, trust has been broken. Broken and tossed aside because it only matters to one person - me.
If anyone knows how to trust the untrustworthy, please let me know
Love and all that good stuff ~
Jenn
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Trusting the Untrustworthy
I trust instinctively and implicitly. Initial trust, with a trust that grows deeper and stronger. I feel everyone deserves to be trusted; until they don't. After that, it takes a LOT to rebuild that bond. After the bond of trust is broken, we can say "I trust you" again, but do we...really? In my case anyway, there is always a wall up... it's now a guarded "I trust you". I guess that's not really trust now, is it? What can we call it? Guarded acceptance? Trust with a catch? Whatever it is, that's what happens when the bond is broken.
What happens when the superficial trust never gets deeper before it's completely destroyed? There's nothing to create and nothing to tie together but with very tattered threads, and we all know how that goes. Nothing can describe the frustration at having to trust someone you don't trust, just can't trust.
Normally if you can't trust someone, you cut them out; wash your hands of the whole disappointment and move on. But what if you can't this time? What if walking away is just not an option? Even worse, what if you're forced to trust the very person you trust the least with your whole heart?
How are you supposed to trust someone who hacks away and seems so consciously determined to have you never trust them? Selfish and mindless decisions are constantly made, but you're supposed to trust
that when your most prized possession and greatest accomplishment is in their care, those decisions will suddenly turn into wise and thoughtful ones?
How do you forget the snippy remarks like "kids die everyday" when your own kid is in their backseat?
Over four years later and that phrase still rings in my head every time I drive away from The Neutral Zone without my little man. And every time that phrase rings in my head, my heart gets doused with ice water.
How are you supposed to trust in a safe return home when past exchanges at The Neutral Zone have smelled faintly of alcohol?
Time and again, the tiny threads of trust are broken before they can shape into a strong and sturdy rope. And time and again, I am asked to give a rope's worth of trust when all I have is that shredded little thread to hang on to. And, of course, time and again, each time the thread is torn, I'm reminded that I cannot just cut the ties I so desperately want to sometimes.
Once again, that superficial, thin thread of trust was broken after being asked for a rope's worth. So, I've had a heart full of anxiety for nearly three days and have only received one of several promised updates. Snip, snip. Without any regard for anyone else, without thought to building that strong rope, trust has been broken. Broken and tossed aside because it only matters to one person - me.
If anyone knows how to trust the untrustworthy, please let me know
Love and all that good stuff ~
Jenn
What happens when the superficial trust never gets deeper before it's completely destroyed? There's nothing to create and nothing to tie together but with very tattered threads, and we all know how that goes. Nothing can describe the frustration at having to trust someone you don't trust, just can't trust.
Normally if you can't trust someone, you cut them out; wash your hands of the whole disappointment and move on. But what if you can't this time? What if walking away is just not an option? Even worse, what if you're forced to trust the very person you trust the least with your whole heart?
How are you supposed to trust someone who hacks away and seems so consciously determined to have you never trust them? Selfish and mindless decisions are constantly made, but you're supposed to trust
that when your most prized possession and greatest accomplishment is in their care, those decisions will suddenly turn into wise and thoughtful ones?
How do you forget the snippy remarks like "kids die everyday" when your own kid is in their backseat?
Over four years later and that phrase still rings in my head every time I drive away from The Neutral Zone without my little man. And every time that phrase rings in my head, my heart gets doused with ice water.
How are you supposed to trust in a safe return home when past exchanges at The Neutral Zone have smelled faintly of alcohol?
Time and again, the tiny threads of trust are broken before they can shape into a strong and sturdy rope. And time and again, I am asked to give a rope's worth of trust when all I have is that shredded little thread to hang on to. And, of course, time and again, each time the thread is torn, I'm reminded that I cannot just cut the ties I so desperately want to sometimes.
Once again, that superficial, thin thread of trust was broken after being asked for a rope's worth. So, I've had a heart full of anxiety for nearly three days and have only received one of several promised updates. Snip, snip. Without any regard for anyone else, without thought to building that strong rope, trust has been broken. Broken and tossed aside because it only matters to one person - me.
If anyone knows how to trust the untrustworthy, please let me know
Love and all that good stuff ~
Jenn
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